I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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