Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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