I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
