when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
