worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
