I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
