I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
