i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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