my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
