Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
