Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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