Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
