I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
