you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
