Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
