Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
