I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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