Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
