in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
