he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You are the jesus of drinking
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
