I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
