I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
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