Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
