Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I didn't notice because vodka
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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