my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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