I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
