No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
