well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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