Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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