textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
