we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
