I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
