Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
