I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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