Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
