vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
