Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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