Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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