so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
