I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
