hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
