she takes plan B like it's going out of style
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
