I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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