I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
