I'm eating all of the evidence.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
