i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
