She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
