That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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