My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
