I accidentally had phone sex last night
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
